Get a load of this insane video shot in Croydon, which as any English person knows, is the penultimate arsehole of the universe…by Jesus this old battleaxe gives this pisshead the full monty though…
Click the link below and watch her go, bless her…
I guarantee you will be shocked and amused in equal measure.
A workmate recently alerted me to the phenomenon of the Dick Towel. As you can imagine, I was thrilled to discover this awesome little device, and wasted no time in ordering a lifetime’s supply of both horse-cock and stubby versions. Then, when reading one of my favourite funny photo blog thingies, I stumbled upon the headline, “The Dick Towel Photobomb Happened!” Upon clicking the link I was delighted to see a pic of a young news anchor type gal giving a report in some Philadelphia bar during an Eagles postgame show – and behind her, standing at the bar, is a guy proudly enrobed in a proper Dick Towel…it was a moment when you pinch yourself and remember to remind yourself not to forget the time you saw history being made.
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I was looking into some domains the other day and wondered about the bastards – you know, .com, .net, etc. A quick type in the address bar and good golly if this little gem didn’t appear.
Bastards.org, if you don’t mind, and it’s for, well, bastards for the most part. Adoptees the world over (but mainly America, seeing as we have more than our share of proper bastards), poor bastards who want to find their real parents. DNA being what it is you can bet their parents are bastards, too. But they can laugh, and they do. There are things on there for sale, like “The Adopted Child Syndrome Family Cookbook”…at least I think that was a joke…maybe I should go and check…Poor, poor bastards. They really are bastards and they had to settle for the .org domain! No wonder most of them end up completely fucked. I think I know of one – maybe two – adoptees that turned out normal. Most are on smack or just balls-out fucking mental. There’s gotta be a reason for that. Like, “no-one gives a flying fuck about me so I may as well do completely shitty things that are major league fucking insane and damaging on a daily basis”. I know I would. In fact, I’m getting a bit jealous of the bastards!
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The most common concern of young ladies today?
When Google fills in suggestions for search queries it reveals the things that concern the inhabitants of our world. After all, most web queries are a search for the answer to a problem, practical devils that we are. So what are the chief problems people seek answers to? Plumbing and heating issues? Plant cross-pollination logistics? Replacement fuel filters for helicopters? A few weeks ago I saw an article that compared Google suggestions to Yahoo suggestions. The Google suggestions were things like “How do I lie to my girlfriend” with Yahoo’s equivalents like “How do I let Jesus into my life”, or Google’s “Can I fuck a dog?” compared to Yahoo’s “Can I find God?” (with just “How do I l-” and “Can I f-” filled in, obviously). Whether SafeSearch was turned on in Yahoo’s case I have no idea. It was just a fun article, with screenshots of search results from the two engines illustrating the fact that Google helps sleazebags and abusers get away with their doings, while stoopid Yahoo just wants to guide us all to the light and goodness of Jesus Christ our Lord.
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Glazer in Flame. Not Slade.
What the eff? Manchester United, supposed powerhouse of world soccer, beaten out of the FA Cup by lowly Leeds United and held to a draw by Birmingham City yesterday, are now allegedly going to indulge in an eighty million pound clearout come this summer. What a crock of bollocks, even if it’s true.
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The title of this post comes from the film Sexy Beast, which came out about a decade ago. Those words were uttered by psycho gangster Don Logan, played by Ben Kingsley, as he was being literally battered to death. I stumbled upon the quote earlier this week while compiling one of those lists that are all the rage right now: “The Ten Best [whatever] of the Past Decade”, etc. I read many quotes that day but Kingsley’s was head and shoulders above the rest. Better even than Bricktop’s famous “Nemesis” speech from Snatch – itself a masterpiece.
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I have just been looking for some domains on GoDaddy, you know, the kind that bring in the green, the ones that are search-relevant, focused, instant monetizers. That’s how I roll; I’m not here for the fun of it. I’m a man, a grown big man with dollar signs in his eyes.
What did I come up with?
whencameltoesattack.com is available!
Can you fucking believe that? And here’s a white-hot tip: I ain’t even bought it yet so you could actually get to own it before me and start rakin’ in that dough while I’m dithering over my credit card like a cameltoe attack victim. I’d recommend posting videos, if you can find any, of exactly what it sez on the tin. Cameltoes. Attacking. You got it.
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I just saw this smashing website, called Capture the Magic. It’s a site where you can upload photos of your home, add a picture of Santa Claus to the photo – and then make your kids believe that some supernatural dude really did come down your chimney with a big bag of goodies.
In these enlightened times, where women breast-feed their children until they are three years old, and people drive 45 miles to Whole Foods, bypassing 46 Big Y’s, Shaws and Super Stop n Shops along the way, so they can eat organic food, or fair-trade chocolate, or some other ideological, bank-breaking shit, is this a treat for yer kids or is it just filling their heads with crap?
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I’m sitting here tonight, waiting for an email that isn’t coming. I can see the number of GMails up there in parenthesis on an adjacent Firefox tab – (1390) – and it’s not showing any sign of changing. Guess I’ll just talk about farting instead.
Farting can be tricky. If you’re not careful you might “follow through”, as the British say. A follow through is essentially a fart that transitions into a shit at some point. At what point that is determines the severity of the follow through event. A transition from gas to solid towards the end of the fart (mercifully the most common) can certainly provide one with a substantial problem, but it is those follow through events that develop very rapidly that are the true issue at hand here. An early transition often spells disaster; the farter may be in the first flush of pushing it out in the mistaken belief that, even if a follow through was suspected, it would occur only at the very end of the fart. These victims mistakenly believe that they will be able to apply “the brakes” should the need occur. The early transition takes them by surprise and we have a farting apocalypse on the cards.
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When I was a kid I used to get Spiderman comic every Saturday without fail. Spidey was one of my favorite Marvel comic characters, slingin’ webs and swingin’ through NYC in mad blue twilight while police and public harassed and reviled him in turn. But Spiderman wasn’t the best Marvel comic strip character, not in my book. That award went to The Vision, the mutant Avenger who could render himself intangible.
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